Just got out of my time machine from 2020, The days of before I officially retired from streaming due to my previous heath issues. My Day 1 OGs would recall I suffered from am illness called Belle Palsy live on my POF Stream. This was the frightening time when someone from my stream said “OMG Scuff what happened to your face” and “Are you OK, You should call an ambulance”.

From achieving the quickest Million on the POF app within 3 weeks of streaming and averaging out at 100k per stream this debilitating disease forced me into taking some time off streaming for 2 months.

When I got back things changed. People who once supported me moved on to bigger and better things and my streams were never the same again. From the highlight to my lowlight of what seems to be starting my streaming journey all over again. What was I expecting? The world to just stop until my return. Since i was not 100% healed i thought to lay up my Streamer hat and go into early retirement.

I never realized how true when people used to tell me consistency is key until i went from 100k daily streams with 100 people 5k streams with 20 people. I love streaming and meeting new people showing my life to the world but it just didn’t feel right.

3 years later here we are. People used to ask me to stream and I just couldn’t do it. I hid behind excuses like: I’m too tired, I cant be bothered, I don’t want too, I’m Busy etc. but the real reason was a disheartening one of I am not who I once was and my mental health is suffering.

But after 3 years I still loved streams and meeting new people hence I started a Live Creator Network RedXMedia to show new people all the lessons I have learnt along the way to help them to become successful. But was this at the cost of my streaming career?

I went to BIGO, Tiktok and MeetMe to name a few to try to bring back the Scuff that I had lost. The Outgoing person who I do not recognized in the mirror anymore. This is where I realized it didn’t matter where I tried to stream it was all about the community I had and lost.

That selfless spark and my big heart over the many countless numbers of years lead to my journey and self development being delayed for what? Neglecting myself, my needs and my thoughts for others who would not look twice in helping me in a heart beat. I deserve better, but knowing, thinking and believing it are 3 different things. The only thing I did for myself was streaming and having some sort of social life to encourage to bring out the person who I once was and lost.

I currently work 7 days a week 12+ hrs a day to keep my mind occupied and entertained, but its taken its toll. Last week my body decided to quit for a period of time due to illness that led to a 5 day hospital stay.

From a life of work to a life of nothing makes you question how you will fill in the days. You start to think and overthink. You start to watch those around you and what you have to offer the world or more like what the world has to offer me.

I have met lots of people along the way of my life I had some realizations that I gave out so much of myself that I didn’t have anything left for me anymore. Instead of people supporting and rising me up like I do for them they are just quick to attack and judge for me not doing the things I have done for them.

THINGS need to change! Whilst on my path of self discovery I have had a revelation. Its the time after so many years of being selfless to actually focus on me. To push through life and take the power back of your destiny.

This is when i logged onto C2:) and to my surprise I have found some of the people who I thought I once lost. The people who helped me through the trying times and we grew together on the same journey. Full of excitement I said to myself “I think I am home, I think I can find the old me and the person who I truly am”.

I clicked that Live Now Button and there was no anxiety, there was no too tired or too stressed. It just felt right. The overwhelming excitement of what the future holds and who I can actually be is in full view.

The thoughts I said goodbye too those many years ago. As anything it takes its toll, its cost, its price but to what cost.

The cost of being alone, the cost of getting rid of people who does not benefit your life, The cost of finally trying to get you want instead of being a people pleaser. The future is scary! Actually being remotely happy without feeling the guilt of being selfish for looking after yourself!

It will be hard to look at yourself, focus on yourself and change your human people pleasing flaw but I finally realized its my time..

The Old me is on the verge of being discovered. So will you join me in my journey?

Watch out world, IM BACK!